Equal Opportunity Embarrasor!!!

Since I have embarrassed all and sundry by now, I think it is time to post a few of the bloopers I have made over time to try and make peace.. so here goes...

The first incident that comes to mind is of yours truly about six or seven year old. We speak a dialect of Malayalam at home which does not have a script so letters are invariably written in Kannada. My mum was born in Mangalore, Karnataka, but did part of her schooling there; the rest of her time in school and college was in Mumbai, so she is multi-lingual and can read and write four languages. I obviously did not know all this then and thought she only knew Kannada. My mum was busy writing letters to relatives in Kannada (These were the days when trunk call were terribly expensive and Internet was unheard of)...I stood watching her for a while and then commented maybe I should learn to read and write Kannada, to which she asked me why did that think that was necessary, to which I responded, when I get married and go away and want to write her a letter I would need to know Kannada, else how would she be able to READ!!!...P.S.-I know of this incident, as this has become a long standing joke in my familial circle and to redeem myself I did learn to read and write Kannada...

The second incident is me about thirteen years old, at that time power failures were relatively common in Mumbai. Once when there was a power failure in our area, we decided to go to the Juhu beach which is about a fifteen minute drive from our place. We dressed in a hurry and grabbed slippers and reached the beach in no time. I vividly recall, I was wearing a white top and a mango coloured skirt (this was brand new and I was very proud of it)....when we arrived at the beach I saw people staring at me...I attributed this attention to my lovely new skirt and basked in the glory for a while...we went to play in the water and removed the slippers which we kept in a heap, and stationed our parents as guards...when I came back to claim my slippers... no matter what I did I could find only one of the pair... of the other there seemed to be no sign...after a few minutes it dawned on me that all this while I had been wearing two different slippers!!!

The third incident I have already listed on Vins blog, this is for all those who came in late.. so here goes... this is hurled at me every time my aunts, uncles and cousins congregate... I was about eight years old then and answering the phone was a big passion...this person called when my dad was in the shower... what I wanted to convey to him was that my dad was having a bath and he should call later... it came out as mixture of hindi and english in these words... "woh abhi phone pe nahi aa sakte kyonki woh bath kar rehe hai"... and the guy goes, "theek hai mujhe bhi unke saath baat karna hai!!!!"...it was a saving grace that my mom came to my rescue...else I would surely tell him "aap apne ghar me bath karo !!!"

Technologically Challenged

Ok since I already let it slip that I am technologically challenged.. would like to share a few memories of what Bertram Wooster would call relating to the "old ancestors"or "old flesh and blood" who were/are similarly afflicted.

The first gem that comes to mind is relating to my grandmother (dad's mom)...the Television had just been introduced in our home and the whole neighbourhood used to congregate in the evening for the one hour or so telecast by Doordarshan(the good old days)... there used to be a program(still running on Local Marathi channel, I guess) called "Aamchi Maati, Aamchi Manasa". This program is basically for the farmer population and gives tips on farming and the like...when the credits roll at the start of the programme they show shots of green farms, flowers, fruit laden trees and happy farmers.... there is one specific shot which shows a mango tree laden with green mangoes or "kairi".... my granny watched the programme for a couple of months and one day commented... "Poor tree... the mangoes just don’t ripen on it!!" It took a great deal of explaining to get her round to understanding that it was just an image that is on TV...and that we are confident that fruit ripened on that tree and was duly eaten by all with much relish...

The second on that comes to mind relates to my uncle, "All Out" liquid mosquito repellent had just been introduced and the place where he lived was fairly infested by those critters so we bought him one of those machines, the same was duly sent to him but we forgot to send the liquid bottle to be fitted in to the machine... the next sunday we visited him and he was absolutely gaga over the machine... this, he said, is an invention to beat all inventions... according to him not one of those critters came anywhere near him since the machine was in his posession... we really had no heart to break the news on him that the machine was worthless without the liquid... this proves that mind controls what we feel :))

The third one relates to my dearest mom, I get my loathing for all things technological from her...it is hereditary honest!!!
This incident took place around the time cellphones were first introduced in our home and my mother happened to be holding one of the cellphones when it rang!!!
The look on her face was one of sheer terror as if a time bomb was in her hand and the countdown has reached the final sequence of 3, 2, 1..... :)

Travails of a Lady Driver

On a lighter note, I am learning to drive these days and the driving instructor is one hell of a philosopher...not sure how he ended up like that... maybe the hoards of "lady drivers" drove him towards thinking deeply on the very purpose of life on earth... he surely seems to have something against them...
He is like..."Lady driveroko jaldi padi reheti hai, kahan se bhi kahin pe nikal jaati hai" ... yeah right, like men never commit accidents and all the accidents on the roads are thanks to "lady drivers"...which planet is he from I wonder...
Ok, to begin with I must confess, I did not begin the training on a very positive note... as am a directionally challenged person... I say I want to go left when I take a right turn (In my defence, I would like to state that, in my mind I mean right, but my stubborn tongue, chooses to say otherwise)... so he goes "yeh, aapke left hai ?"... I assume suitably conversational tones and say "Kya maine left kahan ??, main right bolna chahati thi "... poor thing just shakes his head as if he knew this was coming...
Then there are the occasional "Aunty ko bachao"... "Uncle ko bachate chalo"..."Agar unko zarra sa bhi touch kar diya toh, woh yeh nahi sochenge, ke bacchi hai, gaadi chalana seekh rahi hai , maaf kar dete hai...wohi khade, khade maarege!!!"... now this does not do wonders to my already battered confidence...
Then there is the philosophical advice..." Peeche wala horn marta hai to marrane do... tum dhyan mat do(wow, I love this)... woh apne baare mein soch ke horn maar raha hai, tum apne baare socho..."...this is some advice I would like to apply in real life...
Add to it my personal nightmare which I will also admit to....when I want to take a right turn that will take me across the road and there is a bus approaching just then, my blood freezes and I imagine myself in car, crushed under the wheel and the people clicking their tongue and saying..."bechara bus driver, "lady driver" ke wajah se accident ho gaya !!!"

Reactions

There are days when you feel like screaming ... smashing things ... punching someone in the face...and all you do is paste the most fake..."Ooh, I agree with you" smile on your face and comply...when you feel like giving a piece of your mind to someone, after biting most of his/ her head ofcourse... but cant and are left simmering on the inside and your mind has already re-enacted the most perfect retaliation (all the aforementioned actions done at once) a million times over and you are smiling placidly on the outside taking comfort in these so called retaliations...I for I seem to be having more than my share of such days of late...